When I said those 6 words to my former boyfriend, I wonder if that sounded as bad to him as it did me. It's the first part of the word "break-up", and the second part isn't far away.

He's been acting weird, beyond odd, in an i-don't-really-care-about-the-relationship way. Like, I'm just a friend. I'm asked him multiple times, "is something wrong?" "do you want to break up with me?", both with a bland response of "no.", and a laugh like it doesn't matter. "I didn't know I was acting wierd," he said.

For eleven months he has been the creamer in my coffee, making everything a little sweeter. We had so much love and passion, so much care for eachother; it all seems gone to him these past 5 weeks. I don't know why, he won't explain it, and I'm sitting here clueless and feeling clingy. I care, I try, I do all these things but he keeps knocking me down.

I sat on the cold beige couch, hearing the sizzle of meat on the stove, and gazed at the TV in front of me. I looked over to see him cooking his lunch, as I lay completely uninterested in the television screen. A burst of energy ran through me, I stood up and walked across the glossy wooden floor to Rolan and draped my arms across his stomach. His neck felt smooth and warm on my lips, but his words were cold, "go sit down".

"Why? I don't want to watch TV, just want to give you company." I said, defensively.

"Oh," he said.

After a few minutes of giggling and talking, he went and sat down on the couch and left the meat on the stove. Foolishly, I followed not far behind and sat next to him. "You did this just to get me to sit down didn't you?"

He laughed.

"You better go check the stove."

Hurt, I lay on the couch gazing into the television wondering what's wrong. I hadn't seen him in over a week, because he left for Cabo San Lucas, and this is my "Honey, I'm home!" welcoming? When confronting him about his action and other instances days later, he laughed and said "I didn't know I was acting weird."

I don't want him to break up with me, but I guess the process is an inevitability in the big scheme of things. I just wish that the process wasn't so painful. Can't it just be like a bandage? Quick, easy, and stings only for a little?

But life isn't that easy, and with him being so "ha-ha, lets talk about things that don't matter even though we are having problems", it doesn't get me anywhere. It's like he's ignoring something is completely wrong between us. I've thought about it, and we both have changed, and I still love him--but maybe he doesn't love me. Maybe I'm just not his little cup of tea anymore. Maybe I'm too dark of coffee, too sour for his tastebuds. Whatever the case, I'm about to spill my steaming hot coffee right in the lap of his pants. A hole in the wall, a tissue used, and a dance done. All things I want to do, I just don't know what to do first.

I bit the bullet and said this morning, "You know I've told you before, and I'm still thinking you want to break up with me, and if you really don't...then maybe we just have too much stuff going on to juggle eachother in the balance, I think we need a break." The words pierced my pink tongue and burned my eyes. He nodded, "okay" he said.

"I think I should be going." I said.
"No, stay, you have a minute." he replied, grasping my hand.
"Okay."
"Is that shirt new?"
"Yeah."
"Is that your curly hair?"
"It's my wet hair. I like that shirt on you."
"It's Wyatts."
"Oh."
"Beautiful day out isn't it?"
"Pretty gloomy if you ask me."

I'm so tired of people indirectly talking to me. Like, posting blogs about "someone" or talking to someone else just to say something that throws things in my face, or telling someone to "invite whoever"--knowing that my boyfriends "whoever" is me, they just don't really wanna invite me. It's there way of being nice to him.

I'm tired of people blaming me. A recent blog posted, a girl said "I don't miss you anymore" and that she "did all she could" which in my opinion is far from the truth, but who am I to judge. Maybe her "best" isn't up to my standards or some bullshit excuse she'll find and use. She's better than me, always has been, always will be. And I doubt she realizes that I have gave up on her a long time ago, and how much effort I have gave her, and how much I've tried. But it doesn't seem to matter because all she thinks of is Bill. And if Jenna ever reads this, let me be blunt and say this whole blog is about you, dear.

I'm trying to hold it inside me, the anger that is raging everytime she says some bullshit comment about how great her life is. She doesn't understand that I know her--and she is miserable right now. I'm not an idiot, I know. But who am I to tell her. She can parade around about "Raves" that she's going to, and her "truck" that she just got, and so on and so forth; but who cares? I don't want to go to a rave and get fucked-up on E. That's an idiot thing to do, what Jenna, just trying to top me again? Feel free and have this one, I'm not gonna be an idiot, I'm gonna get good grades unlike you. You have a truck? Uhm...congrats? I honestly don't care, but you reminding me about it everytime I see you is very annoying.

And for the love of god, Russell, if you ever read this, stop with the indirectness. I get you don't want me there, don't give Rolan an open invitation so you get brownie points; all I do is look bad for declining your imaginary invite from Rolan, and it makes me feel bad seeing him disappointed but I'd deal with that a lot easier than being stuck in a room with you and your fake ass friends. Oh wait, they're not even fake, they bluntly ignor me all the time. But that's better than some lie that I live with. I regret ever going out with you completely. I just want to earase that from ever happening. Go cry about that for a few more months.

All my friends, I'm sucking all of your crap up and just moving along diligently and trying to take your comments as if I haven't heard them, because I can't take anymore. My arm is dry now, I have been very determined to keep it that way--it's been so hard, trust me. But I do it for Rolan, for my sanity, and so they don't see weakness. It's not like they'd care, but I refuse to walk around in a pity party for all my friends to view with fake caring that lasts 5 minutes.

Go fuck yourself. I can't wait for college to get away from all of this. Get off my back.

:(

"I don't want to be alone,
I want to be left alone." -Audrey Hepburn.

Anorexia. Wow, Taboo to say right?

I wanna throw in 2 cents. Anorexia is not eating, thus starving yourself, thus loosing wieght--right? To me that just sounds like dieting. Bare with me.

Barely eating anything, small portions, calorie counting, all so you don't get the daily-recommended caloric intake so you virtually starve your body (atleast a little) and thus loosing weight. Just because it works for anorexic people, doesn't mean that everyone should get ass-hurt about it. Get over yourselves people. I'm tired of this taboo shit going on.

Taboo to talk about everything, saying stuff that people frown upon. But we all do it. We all have lows, and do things harmful to ourselves, but it's taboo to talk about cutting your arms, or taboo to talk about not eating for a week because your boyfriend cheated on you, and taboo to talk about drinking when your 16, but who didn't drink at the age 16? Majority of people did. I'm not fucking crazy. Everyones just too damn sensitive to talk about the real world.

Lets get out of this perfect little bubble, and open the window to a world of truth, and take off the stupid mask. These double standards are driving me insane. There's a quota, like for my friend Wyatt, and if you do anything out of line with that quota, there goes the friendship and I wait MONTHS to put it back together. I'm tired of doing that, I don't have the strength to do it anymore. I walk on eggshells with him, because he means that much to me--but I always screw it up; and feel even worse about myself each time. I don't want it to happen again.